Bad Boys
by HealerAriel
Summary: Title changed because it'll end up spanning more than the Marauders' 5th year. JamesLily, RemusOC, SiriusMore girls than James Bond gets. SLASHFREE, sorry guys. I've become less nauseated by Marauder slash over the years, but I'm still not a shipper. 13!
1. Pranksters Cometh, and Enter the Klutz

This story is a collaboration of the comedic expertise of moi, HealerAriel, and my best girl bud, nicknamed Chloe (this WILL make sense, believe it or not, once I submit one of our other stories). The original manuscript is, sadly, now in the possession of her mother -who doesn't care for our sense of humor- but we're going to rewrite this the best we can based soley upon memory. Hopefully, it'll even turn out to be better than the original! Enjoy! And give us lotsa reviews, or we'll be sad! And we're not nice when we're sad! Note: since italics don't show up, *this* = thoughts.  
  
  
  
As told by Padfoot:  
  
Another year at Hogwarts. To me, this meant two things. First of all, way more detention for me and my best bud, James; and second of all, way more time with the girls who worship me. Yes, I am Sirius Black, and I am a sex god. Hey, I didn't ask to be hot and charming and intelligent, it just sorta happened that way - not that I'm complaining. I mean, don't get me wrong, James and Remus are good-looking and all, but come on, they're not me! Yeah, sucks to be them.  
  
I, however, was in a damn good mood at the moment, having just beat up our resident slime ball, Snape. The loser accused me of stealing his girl! And she was coming on to me, even! Man, that guy needs some therapy, and a shower wouldn't hurt him either, for that matter. When'll he learn, chicks don't go for the bathed-in-Crisco look?  
  
"Sirius, would it kill you to put that thing away?" Remus asked. I gave him a look and went back to admiring myself in my mirror. Man, I was flawless.  
  
"Trust me, Moony, if you had been blessed with this hair, these eyes, these lips, and this Adonis smile, you'd be checking yourself out, too," I informed, flashing my perfected devilish grin and giving my long black hair one last flip before grudgingly putting the mirror back into my pocket.  
  
"It's his modesty that really gets me," James said, taking his attention from the rolling hills outside the train to give me a smirk. "He's not at all conceited." Remus and Peter laughed. I gave them a superior look.  
  
"Yes, Jimbo, my modesty amazes even me," I replied. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not that dumb: I knew that James was being sarcastic. I just felt like cheesing him off.  
  
"You are such a freakin' weirdo, Padfoot," he said, grinning.  
  
"Takes one to know one, Jimmy," I replied, sticking my tongue out. At that precise moment the door to our compartment opened and a girl with strawberry-blonde hair came in, took one look at Remus (not me?!) and tripped over her own feet.  
  
"Ow," she said, struggling to get herself untangled from her school robes and get to her feet at the same time. This did not work out well, and she ended up losing her balance again, and would have fallen once more if Remus had not decided to play gentleman and catch her.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked, helping her to steady herself. She was obviously younger than us, and not used to wearing robes. She was also very pretty, I mean, for a kid.  
  
"Uh, um, y-yeah, I'm fine," she said, gazing up at him with this look of total adoration. Man, little girls...  
  
"You're new, aren't you? This is your first year?" Moony's admirer nodded, too enamoured to form words at the moment. Remus grinned. "What's your name?" he asked.  
  
"M...M-Margaret Baker," she stammered, still very busy staring at him.  
  
"Well, how about we call you 'Klutz'," Peter suggested, "because...you're a klutz!" James and I started laughing, but Remus soon silenced us with a death look and, in true knight-in-shining-armor fashion, bent and kissed Klutz's hand (she blushed) and said, with a very un-Moony grin,  
  
"Remus Lupin at your service, Margaret."  
  
*Man, Moony's learning how to really put on the charm*, I thought, impressed. I had, of course, taught him everything he knew.  
  
"And these are my friends," he added, introducing me, James, and Peter. "We're fifth years."  
  
"Yup, we be bigga, fasta, and stronga dan you little punks in da first ye-ah. We have da powa to strike you down! Haha!"  
  
"Sirius....what the hell?" James said slowly, looking at me like I was deranged. "What have you been smoking?"  
  
"You know, I can't remember exactly, but it musta been some strong sh- "  
  
"Sirius, there's a lady present," Remus warned, flashing Klutz this really charming smile none of us had ever seen before. Klutz blushed again. Geez, she was officially smitten. "Maybe you should go now, before Sirius does anything else to prove his insanity," he said, ushering the girl out with his fingertips resting on the small of her back.  
  
"Er, uh, o-okay," she said, seeming again at a loss for words.  
  
"Very charmed to have met you, Miss Baker," Remus said, still in total-charmer mode. "It's been a pleasure."  
  
"Um, yeah. Bye, Remus," she replied. She blushed a third time as my suddenly very smooth buddy kissed her hand again, then went off into some other compartment. Once she was out of earshot, it was official rag-on- Moony time for me, Jim, and Petey.  
  
"Damn, Moony," I said. "You just about turned her into a quivering pile of jelly. I salute you!" James meowed loudly, then sang,  
  
"Moony's gonna get some, OWOOOOOOO!" We all cracked up as Remus's pale cheeks went pink. He grinned.  
  
"Hey, contrary to popular belief, Sirius isn't the only guy in school who's capable of making a girl melt like a popsicle in July," he said, lounging in the seat next to me. "Old Moony's got a few tricks up his sleeves."  
  
"And if Moony doesn't stop talking in third person, Padfoot is going to kick him in the balls," I informed.  
  
"Yeah, Prongs too," James added.  
  
"Fine, be that way," Remus laughed. 


	2. Boredom on the Hogwarts Express, A Botch...

Second chapter, yahoo! I've changed the ** range, by the by: *this* indicates thoughts and onomatopoeia - Ex. *bang* *thunk*, ect. Remember, REVIEWS, REVIEWS, REVIEWS! Love it, hate it, TELL ME!  
  
  
  
Still from Padfoot's viewpoint:  
  
  
  
"Bored, bored, bored, bored," James said, keeping in rhythm with the *thunk* of the baseball he was throwing against the ceiling. He was laying on his back across two seats with his head hanging over into the aisle; Peter was chowing down on a hell of a lot of jelly beans in the seat next to me; Remus was sitting across from me, marking in the days when the moon would be full on his new calendar; and I was again checking myself out in my mirror.  
  
"Oh, the boredness seeps inside my soul and eats up my brain, it's a big, big pain," James sang. "Oh, I'm so damn bored, someone shoot me please- "  
  
"Shaddup, Prongs," Remus muttered, tossing one of Peter's jelly beans at James. It landed in James's mouth, which lead to him hacking and gagging to get it disloged from his throat.  
  
"That was *hack* uncalled for, you furry jerk," James said, glaring at Remus, who just gave a soft snort of laughter and went back to his calendar. "Oooh," James said, chewing the jelly bean. "Strawberry."  
  
"You know what I've always wondered?" I asked suddenly. "Why is Moony always so unnervingly calm?" Remus looked up at me with this *man, you're weird* look in his bright amber eyes, and put aside his calendar.  
  
"'Cause I have to be," he said (calmly). "If I don't keep myself in control constantly, Wolf takes over. And that's never good." We always referred to Remus's alter ego as 'the wolf'.  
  
"Which accounts for the fact that when he's pissed his eyes start reflecting light and his teeth sharpen," Jim stated.  
  
"If it gets really bad, I grow claws, too," Remus explained. "It's only really primal stuff, though; I can be depressed as hell and nothing'll happen. I just have to be careful about rage and hunger-"  
  
"Or lust," I teased. "I can see it now: Moony gets hot for some chick; Moony grows fur and fangs; Moony forgets all about screwing chick and ends up eating her instead."  
  
"You're so damn charming, Sirius, it just makes me wanna hurl," he said. I tossed my hair.  
  
"Yeah, I do that," I sighed. James rolled his eyes and resumed his former pastime of throwing his baseball against the ceiling.  
  
"Bored, bored-"  
  
"James, if you're so bored, why don't you go find your girlfriend?" Remus suggested. "Where is Lily, anyway?"  
  
"Two compartments down, hanging out with Whosit, Whatsit, and Kitty." I instantly perked up.  
  
"What? My pussycat?"  
  
"You'd know all about that, though, wouldn't you?" Remus said, smirking. "You have, after all, laid most of the female population of Hogwarts."  
  
"My Kitty-cat happens to be special," I replied haughtily.  
  
"Thebestofthebestofthebest, SIR!" James said, grinning stupidly.  
  
"Heh heh, you get her in the right position, and she purrs!"  
  
"OVERSHARE!" Remus yelled.  
  
"Yeah, really!" Peter squeaked.  
  
"Shaddup," James and I said in unison.  
  
"Let's go find our girls."  
  
"Right behind you, Jimmy!"  
  
***  
  
We decided to make a grand entrance. James took the left side of the doorway, I took the right, Remus took center, and Pete...well, he was behind us. We burst into the girls' compartment.  
  
"My girl!" James sang, striking a pose. Remus and I echoed him in turn and followed suit with the dramatic posing.  
  
"My girl!"  
  
"My girl!"  
  
"And me! Whoa!" Peter, being the screw up that he was, tripped and fell right into us, knocking all three of us to the floor with him.  
  
"You ruined our big entrance, Wormtail," James pouted, poking Peter hard in the back of the head.  
  
"Yeah, nice one...klutz," a familiar voice said. We all looked up. It was the original Klutz! Remus blushed; Peter scowled. I looked around. Kitty was in the seat next to Lily, dressed very nicely. Who doesn't like a chick who pairs preppy white blouses (tied at the waist and partially unbuttoned) and plaid, Catholic school-girl skirts (very short) with knee- high leather boots and fishnet tights? Hell, I had no objections.  
  
"Good afternoon, Black," she said, in her throaty voice. The girl never did use my first name.  
  
"Hiya, Kitty," I replied. "The outfit does you justice." Kitty smiled, revealing sharp, enlongated canine teeth. Half vampire, on her father's side. Everyone in school knew, yet no one really minded - well, no guys at least.  
  
"I can't believe Wormtail *sniff* ruined our big entrance," James whined, still pouting. "And I *sniff* worked so hard to impress you, Lil." Lily gave him a look.  
  
"Aw, don't worry, Lil," I reassured, pinching James's cheek. "It's just his 'only-child' instincts coming into play. He'll be less of a loser eventually."  
  
"All right, let's go!" James yelled, jumping to his feet and holding his fists up. "I am...THE DEER!" I jumped up and struck the same pose.  
  
"I am...THE DOGGIE!"  
  
"Yahahaha!" James jumped at me and began 'strangling' me.  
  
"Eeeeeek! JimmyJimmyJimmy! Watch the hair! The hair!"  
  
"SCREW THE HAIR!" James shrieked, tangling my hair. I screamed and pulled out my mirror, hyperventilating. My hair was unsalvagable. I screamed at my reflection, then screamed again as I flung the mirror against the wall, shattering it.  
  
"Nooooooo," I moaned. "Noooooo, my hair. It's not beautiful anymore. I look like James! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH! THE PAIN!"  
  
"Suck it up, ya wussy," Jimmy said. 


	3. Hogwarts, I'm home!

I TOLD you I'd get another chapter up. Geez, you sceptics. Have some faith in the healing woman, willya?  
  
  
  
As told by Moony:  
  
  
  
We finally reached the school after a long time watching Sirius try to fix his hair without the mirror he'd recently smashed. Oh well, he'd just get a new one. The guys and I got into the same carriage (James decided to pass the time by looking at the ground outside and laughing like a maniac. Geez, I don't explain him), while my, er, new friend took the traditional boat ride up to the castle.  
  
"Hahaha! FEED ME!" Sirius growled once we'd made our way into the Great Hall. He glared down at the plate in front of him and yelled (apparently to the House elves), "Gimme some food, you dirty little bastards, or I'll come down there and turn you all pink!" He then began drumming out an annoying tune with his cutlery.  
  
"Padfoot? Grow up," I said. "You'll have to suffer through the Sorting before you eat, you know that."  
  
"Yeah, we have to watch your chickie get put into Hufflepuff," he snickered.  
  
"She is NOT going into Hufflepuff!" I shot back, more defensively than I'd meant to. Now I would get teased.  
  
"Awww, you'd miss her, wouldn't you, Fuzzy?" James cooed. "Then you'd have to pull a Sirius and sneak out every night to fu-"  
  
"James, watch it." Lily had just joined us. "I know what you're about to say, and don't." Jimmy cringed and mumbled,  
  
"Yes, dear. Whatever you say." Sirius laughed.  
  
"Dude, Jimbo, you're freakin' whipped! Lil tamed the wild...deer." He continued his insane laughter, until,  
  
"Shut it, Black."  
  
"Yes, Kitty," he said, shrinking down in his own seat.  
  
"Heh! Now who's whipped, Doggy-Boy?" James crowed.  
  
"Both of you," I replied helpfully. They both glared at me.  
  
"You suck, Moony," they said in unison. I gave them my best evil grin (which, honestly, wasn't very good. I don't do evil grins very well). We were returned to reality as the Sorting Hat sang its little jingle and McGonagall took her place at the front of the room and began calling out new students' names to be sorted.  
  
"Hey, Remus!" Sirius said, pointing. "It's your girlfriend!" I snapped my head around, just in time to see Margaret trip on her way up to the Hat.  
  
"That was graceful," Peter snorted. I glared at him and returned my gaze in Margaret's direction. She maintained her dignity, blushing only slightly in embarrassment as people snickered at her fall, and walked gracefully the rest of the way to the Hat. I decided right then that I liked that kid a lot, and gave Sirius a victorious smirk as she was sorted into Gryffindor.  
  
"Hufflepuff my ass, Padfoot," I muttered.  
  
"Shaddup, wolf-man."  
  
"Maggie!" Lily called, waving the relieved girl over. "You can sit with us."  
  
"Yeah," Kitty added. "Black and Pettigrew'll be quiet, otherwise we'll hurt them."  
  
"Oh really?" Sirius asked. "Enlighten me, Catalina VonSteffon; what do you intend to do to me?"  
  
"Cut your balls off."  
  
"Oooookay then, I'll shut up," Sirius said, studying the golden plate in front of him. Sirius couldn't have anything interfering with his career as the Hogwarts Man-Whore.  
  
"I'm so glad I'm in the same house with you guys," Maggie sighed. She then looked at me and promptly tripped again. "Oh!" she yelped. Peter, Sirius, and James tried to hide their laughter - they did an awful job of it.  
  
"Would you three shut up," I growled, helping Maggie to her feet once more. "Move over, Sirius," I commanded. He grinned knowingly and moved over a seat so that Maggie could sit next to me. I despised that knowing grin.  
  
"Um, hi, Remus," Maggie said, blushing. Sirius looked at me over her head and wiggled his eyebrows up and down. I hated that, too. I gave him a hand signal behind Maggie's back.  
  
"Moony!" he cried in mock indignation. "That was uncalled for! Besides, I don't feel that way about you." James laughed; Peter looked confused; I glared.  
  
"Black," Kitty said threateningly. "Don't make me castrate you."  
  
"My bad," Sirius replied averting his eyes once again, just as food appeared on the table. "FOOD! GIMME!" He began shoveling various things into his mouth. "Ah, man, I wah so 'ungry!"  
  
"Honestly, Sirius! Do you have to do that?" Lily asked, wincing in disgust.  
  
"Di' I offen' you, Lil?" he asked, purposely speaking with his mouth full.  
  
"Grow up," Lily replied.  
  
"Not if I can help it." 


	4. Torturing Snapey, and Getting Detention

I apologize that I haven't updated in a while. But I've been working on several stories simultaniously, and my boys just kinda got shoved off to the side. I'm so sorry, guys! *Gives Remus, James, and Sirius big hugs and kisses. They get kinda freaked out and back away slowly, telling HealerAriel to get on with the story already.* Well, who am I to let 'em down?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Moony's still getting his two cents in:  
  
Well, if Sirius does it, I guess I should: I'm Remus Lupin, resident wolf-man. Honestly, that's about it. I mean, James is the super jock, Sirius is the sex symbol, Pete's the fat kid, and I'm...well, I'm just sorta there. Nothing special about me, really, except that I turn into a monster every full moon. I'm an average student, I'm not all that good- looking, and I'm not particularly clever, but I can bite people. Wow. I feel so privilaged. Anyway, enough about me. Let's get to the important stuff, shall we?  
  
"Okay guys," James said. "Let's do inventory: paper napkins?"  
  
"Got 'em," Sirius replied, holding them up. James nodded.  
  
"Straws?"  
  
"Yep," I said.  
  
"And rubber bands?"  
  
"A whole bag," Peter said proudly.  
  
"Time to go to class then," Sirius said, grinning evilly. "Come on, boys."  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Transfiguration. McGonagall was droning on about something, but we weren't paying attention. We were concentrating on the greasy jerk in front of us. McGonagall turned to write something on the board. We took that moment to fire our 'weapons'  
  
*Flit! Flit! Snap! Snap!* Snape was hit by two spitballs and two rubber bands. He turned to glare at us. We gave him our most angelic faces. He gave us a hand signal. We again bombarded him with our arsenal. Sirius's spitball hit him in the eye.  
  
"EW!" Snape yelled. "BLACK YOU SON OF A-"  
  
"Snape!" McGonagall scolded. "What is the meaning of this?"  
  
"Th-THEM!" he growled, pointing at the four of us. Cue angelic faces from the Marauders.  
  
"We didn't do anything, Professor McGonagall," Sirius said, giving her his best puppy dog eyes. "We were being good little boys." The teacher almost smiled.  
  
"Well...don't disturb class," she said, turning back to the board. Snape glared back at us. We made faces at him. McGonagall chose that moment to turn around.  
  
"What *are* you four doing?" she demanded.  
  
"Giving each other facials," Sirius said quickly. "Not that I...need one," he added, flipping his hair. The girls in class giggled. He flashed his *yeah, I'm great, aren't I?* smile, and winked.  
  
"One more disturbance, Black," she warned. We weren't worried. All the female teachers thought Sirius was cute, and never punished him. We reloaded our weapons as she turned once more.  
  
"I'll get you," Snape hissed. We all launched huge spitballs at him at once. He stood up, and we followed suit, spitballing him the whole time. This McGonagall did see.  
  
"THAT'S IT!" she yelled. "ALL FIVE OF YOU! DETENTION!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sorry it's so short. But I'll get the next chapter up sooner! 


	5. Snape Hates The Marauders

I admit to modifying some cheer lyrics from Bring It On in this chapter. So sue me. Not literally --; I have no money!

* * *

Yup, still Moony:

Our detention was to scrub the Potions classroom spotless. This would take hours.

"Geez, you'd think they'd get tired of having us clean this place," Sirius grumbled.

"Are you kidding? We get detention at least once a week, we're the only ones they can count on to be on permanent custodial duty," James said.

"Wow, big words, Jim," I teased.

"Yeah, I know. My head hurts now."

"Could you three idiots keep it down?" Snape growled. He was currently standing on a stool and scraping who-knows-what off the ceiling.

"Bitch," Sirius muttered. Even Peter understood that, and the four of us laughed. Snape glared at us, then went back to what he was doing. Sirius gave us his evil grin.

"Yo, Snape, I can see up your robes, man!" he snickered.

"I'm warning you, Black-"

"Dude, no wonder you can't keep a girl," Sirius said.

"Really? I was sure it was the slimy hair that kept them away," James laughed.

"Alright you morons," Snape hissed, getting down from the stool and pulling out his wand. "One more word-"

"HOO-AH!" Sirius jumped up on the teacher's desk and started dancing and singing. "I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot! Who am I? A genius! Girls want to touch my-"

"BLACK! I WARNED YOU!" Snape bellowed, pointing his wand at Sirius. James and I backed up toward the door, counting on Sirius to have enough sense to run like hell.

"Blow me, Sev," Sirius taunted, doing a stupid little dance. "Oh wait, you'd like that!" Never count on Sirius to have sense. James and I had just enough time to yank our stupid friend out of the way of a curse from Snape.

"Hey!" he cried indignantly. "I was about to kick his greasy ass!"

"RUN YOU RETARD! HE'S COMING!" James and I shouted in unison. Peter was already out of site; he'd hightailed it outta there when the wand came out. The chicken had the right idea.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Snape roared, charging out of the classroom after us.

"OH SHIT!" Sirius yelled. "HE'S GONNA HURT US!"

"REALLY? I HADN'T NOTICED!" I yelled back as we ran as fast as possible in the direction of the tower. I looked back to see if Snape had stopped chasing us. No such luck.

"KLUTZ, RUN!" I heard Sirius yell.

"What? What's going on?" she asked, looking confused. I picked her up and ran with her.

"SNAPE'S GONNA KILL US!" I answered. "THINK YOU CAN SLOW HIM DOWN?"

"Er...I'll try," she said, taking her own wand out and muttering curses. The guys were out of site now. It was just me and her. Facing a homicidal maniac. Oh crap.

"I'LL MURDER YOU, LUPIN!"

"YOUR CURSES AREN'T WORKING, ARE THEY, MAGGIE?"

"What do you expect? I'm a first year for God's sake! Put me down! Run!" I did this gratefully. But seconds later,

"GOTCHA!" I was grabbed by the back of my robes and slammed against the wall, looking into the pissed off face of Severus Snape. He looked like he wanted to... to do that thing where you slam someone's nosebone into their skull. I don't know what it's called technically, but I'd seen somebody do that before, and it looked like it would hurt. Snape sneered evilly.

"Remus Lupin."

"I SWEAR TO GOD, IT WAS SIRIUS, ALL THE WAY! I'M INNOCENT!" I yelled, shielding myself.

"Not a good enough reason," he said. He raised his wand at me. "I don't like you, Lupin. And I never will. There's something strange about you. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I'll figure it out someday. For today though, I think I'll just curse you-"

"Leave him alone!" Margaret darted in front of me. That move was either very brave, or very stupid, possibly a mixture of both.

"Excuse me?" Snape hissed. Maggie stood her ground.

"Don't hurt him," she said. "Just leave him alone."

"Maggie this is stupid," I said. "He's Snape, he's evil."

"SHUT IT, LUPIN!"

"Don't you dare speak to him like that!" Maggie pulled out her wand again and pointed it at Snape.

"What is going on?" Professor McGonagall demanded. Snape got very pale.

"He was going to curse Remus, Professor," Maggie informed. "So I was going to curse him, and then you came along, and-"

"Miss Baker, please be quiet."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now, since Mr. Snape and Mr. Lupin just cannot be in the same room together without there being bloodshed," McGonagall went on, "I believe that your detentions tomorrow night will be in separate rooms-"

"WHAT?" Snape and I cried in unison.

"Professor, you can't give Remus detention," Maggie protested. "He didn't do anything this time!"

"Miss Baker, you will be joining him."

"Me! What did _I_ do?"

"You were about to use magic in the halls. That is not allowed. Mr. Lupin is guilty by association."

"You can't do that!" Maggie protested.

"I can, and I have. Report to me tomorrow evening." She walked away.

"I'll get you next time, Lupin," Snape said, whirling around and stalking off in the direction of his Common Room. Maggie looked up at me, her eyes wide.

"Remus, I'm so sorry I got you in trouble," she said.

"I'm going to bed," I muttered, heading back to the tower.

* * *

Cleaning every trophy in the trophy room has never been fun. It's even less fun when you didn't do anything to get the punishment.

"I'm sorry," Maggie said quietly. I didn't say anything. I'd been ignoring her for the last half hour. Yeah, maybe it wasn't fair, but neither was my getting punished, so I could overlook that. Ten more minutes of total silence.

"You can't ignore me for the rest of your life because of something so stupid!"

"Oh, no, what _you_ did was stupid," I snapped. "You shouldn't have been down in the dungeons, anyway! All you did was get me in trouble! And I didn't do anything!"

"Mind you that _we_ only got in trouble because_ I_ was trying to stop that boy from hurting you!" she retorted, getting to her feet and staring me dead in the eye. "You're so ungrateful!"

"I'm ungrateful? For you getting me detention? I could have gotten _myself_ detention! It's damn easy! I-" My voice died when I saw the look on her face. Her large, light blue eyes were brimming with tears. Something in my chest started to hurt. "I'm...I'm sorry," I said. "I'm acting like a huge jerk."

"Yeah, you are," she replied softly, smiling a little.

"I'm sorry," I said again, wiping the tears from her eyes. "It was very brave of you to stand up for me like that. Thanks." I kissed her cheek.

"N-no problem," she stammered, blushing bright red. She backed up - right into a shelf of trophies, knocking several to the floor. "Oh, no!" she groaned, dropping to her knees and inspecting them all.

"It's not a big deal," I said, kneeling beside her and helping to get the trophies back onto the shelf.

"Yes it is! Don't you see? Your friends are right, I'm a klutz! I can't do anything right." I took her face in my hands.

"Maggie, don't listen to them," I said. "They're morons, really. You're smart, you're sweet, you're beautiful, and I lo- I _believe_ in you," I corrected myself quickly, hoping she hadn't caught that.

"Really?" she asked, gazing at me with her pretty eyes.

"Absolutely."


	6. Players and Magical Creatures

Narrated by Prongs:

I am James Potter. But I'm not just any Potter: I have a girlfriend. And one day we'll get married, and be known as "The Potters". And we'll have a son. And we'll name him...Andre. Or...Ringo. Or...Leonardo. Yeah. Leonardo Potter. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Way better than the name Sirius came up with, anyway. He suggested "Harry". Yeah, like I'm ever going to give a kid of mine such a dorky name! Pshh, get real, Padfoot! Honestly, he may be a lady killer, but he has no taste.

ANYWAY, I'll follow suit with Moony and Padfoot and give an introduction to how our little group works. Sirius, as you probably know, is the one who bangs anything in a skirt that's remotely good-looking, Remus is our resident wolfman, and Peter's the fat kid who follows us around. Then there's me. The stunningly handsome, amazingly talented, Quidditch deity with the beautiful girlfriend. As you can see, I'm the special one. And I was the one who had come up with the current game Sirius and I were playing.

"Come in," I suggested.

"Ride my broomstick," Sirius added.

"What are you two doing?" Lily asked, sitting down next to me on the couch.

"Coming up with phrases that can be taken the wrong way," I answered, grinning. Lily rolled those big green eyes that I loved so much.

"Why didn't I guess?" she sighed.

"'Cause you're a chick," Sirius said. "Girls just don't get these things."

"Oh, by the way, Sirius," Lily began, "I was meaning to ask you: What is up with your outfit?" Sirius grinned and stood up, modeling his way-too-tight black leather pants and white button-down shirt - button-down to Sirius, of course, means "Buttoning Optional".

"Oh, come on," Sirius said. "Not showing off this holy bod would be a crime against humanity."

"I think I speak for everyone, Black," Kitty interrupted, stroking her black tomcat, Incubus, "when I say that we are not interested in admiring your ass at the moment." A curly-haired blonde girl giggled, and put her arms around Sirius's waist.

"On the contrary," she chirped. "I quite like admiring his ass." Sirius gave her his make-her-melt smile.

"And I love admiring yours, Jessica," he purred. A murderous look came over Kitty's visage as Sirius and Jessica continued to flirt and kiss. Kitty VonSteffon is scary as hell when she's angry. I mean, when she gives you that LOOK, you just want to say "Yes, ma'am" and slither away. Sirius, of course, didn't catch that.

"Are you busy tonight?" Jessica breathed. Sirius made his famous devilish grin.

"I think I can fit you into my schedule," he said. "Before I go to work in the Hufflepuff dorms." Jessica giggled again.

"Fabulous!" she replied. They kissed again, and Jessica made her way up to her dorm. The sad thing, though, is that everyone was used to this. And Kitty was still seething.

"Well!" she snapped. "I hope you have a marvelous time, Black." Sirius either mistook this for sincerity, or decided to be an abject asshole, because his reply was,

"Oh, I will."

"Hmph!" Kitty got up and carried her cat upstairs, looking thoroughly pissed.

"That was low, Sirius," Remus informed, from his position at the table nearest the fire. Klutz was sitting across from him, and they had been talking about something in low voices. Ah, l'amour!

"What?" Sirius asked. "Kitty doesn't care, she's used to it."

"She looked like she wanted to hack your balls off, Padfoot," I pointed out. Lily winced.

"You speak so eloquently, James," she said sarcastically. I smiled.

"But you love me anyway."

"Yes I do. You're just so cute, with your big ol' glasses and your floppy hair."

"Cute ain't the word," Sirius snorted.

"Watch it, Puppy-Boy." Sirius just rolled his eyes, and walked over to Remus and Klutz. I followed. Peter followed me.

"Hey, Moony," he said. "What are you doing with Klutz?" Remus looked up at us.

"Maggie's helping me with my Care of Magical Creatures essay," he replied evenly. There were a few moments of silence. Then Sirius voiced what we'd both been thinking.

"Dude, you don't _take_ Care of Magical Creatures." Upon seeing the panicked look on Remus's face, he nudged me in the ribs and added, "You know what's going on, though, don't you, Prongs?" I nodded. Peter had this knowing look on his face. And he'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't spoken.

"You wanna take Care of Magical Creatures," Pete said, sounding like he thought he was a genius for having figured it out.

"Hah, hah, hah, NO!" Sirius replied, clunking Peter over the head with an empty box of donuts (don't ask). "It means Moony wants her to take care of his magical creature. Bring it in from the cold once in a while." Remus was now bright red.

"That is not at all what I was thinking, Sirius!" he growled.

"Oh, I don't know," Klutz said softly. "It might not be so bad..." That caught all of us off-guard.

"Uh, Maggie, I don't think you understand what Sirius is talking about," Remus said.

"She does," Lily said. "She's...very mature for her age."

"Damn, Moony," Sirius said. "Little Klutz wants to do you." Remus turned even redder.

"Excuse me," he said quickly, before darting out of the room. And leaving Sirius and I to laugh our asses off about WHY he'd left so quickly. There's a first time for everything, hee hee!


	7. The Man Tribe and Drinking Games

Remus: (read's James' chapter) Uh uh, that SO did not happen!  
  
Sirius: (snickers) Yeah it did!  
  
Okay then. Onto chapter 7!  
  
Narrated, for a change, by no one:  
  
"Why'd he run out of the room like that?" Maggie asked, staring after the newly absent werewolf. Sirius and James exchanged knowing glances.  
  
"Ah, don't worry, Klutz," Sirius reassured. "He's just embarrassed. He was...saluting you in his own special way." James snickered, then assumed the stance of a military officer.  
  
"PRIVATE MOONY!" he bellowed at Sirius. Sirius took Remus's part.  
  
"SIR, YES SIR!"  
  
"SALUTE YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER, DAMN YOU!"  
  
"SIR, YES SIR!" Sirius replied, pantomiming the "salute in Remus's own special way".  
  
"...Oh," Maggie said, beginning to blush. Sirius rolled his eyes.  
  
"NOW she understands," he grumbled, shaking his head, making chin- length, glossy black curls shiver.  
  
"Well, you can't expect me to know everything about boys," she said. "It's not like you know everything about girls."  
  
"I know all the important stuff!" Sirius insisted.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Girls have boobs," he said smugly. "And boobs are good."  
  
"Good God," James groaned. "Is he really my best friend?"  
  
"Of course I am, dumb ass," Sirius informed. "Why?"  
  
"Because you're quite a numbskull," James said.  
  
"Well, I knew that, stupid," Sirius retorted. Lily sighed and gave Maggie a look.  
  
"Now you see what I have to put up with," she said. "They do this all the time."  
  
"Yeah, I noticed..."  
  
"I think it's a boy thing," Lily speculated, as James and Sirius made goofy faces at each other while dancing around in a circle. "Or, maybe it's just a James and Sirius thing," she amended. "I mean, what IS that?"  
  
"The official ceremonial dance of the Man Tribe!" Sirius crowed. "We are celebrating!"  
  
"Celebrating what?" Lily asked cautiously.  
  
"Remie's first-ever hard-on!" James giggled. "HE IS NOW A MAN!" Maggie looked at them both.  
  
"Ew," she said, matter-of-factly. "It's really not the best thing to talk about, you know."  
  
"Oh, you'll like it in a few years," Sirius informed, winking. Lily gave him a withering glare as Maggie blushed bright red. Sirius decided to play along. "Eeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuggggh, I'm meeeeeeeeeeltiiiiiiinnnnngggg!" he screeched, slowly collapsing to the floor.  
  
"You are such a child, Sirius," she said, shaking her head.  
  
***  
  
For the first time ever, Narrated by Kitty!  
  
I couldn't BELIEVE him! Sirius Black was such a jerk! Honestly, flirting openly with other girls right in front of me?! What gave him the right? And why the hell did I care? What was the point in my brooding about it until...NEARLY MIDNIGHT?!  
  
I growled. That bastard.  
  
"He doesn't care," I muttered, reaching in my trunk for what I truly needed. I found it. That lovely glass bottle. Mostly full. No one knew I had it. Good, more for me, I decided, unscrewing the cap and lifting it to my lips.  
  
"Kitty?" Lily's groggy voice sounded from the bed next to mine. Oh, shit!  
  
"What?" I hissed.  
  
"Wha's goin' on?" she mumbled sleepily. I hastily put the cap back on and hid the bottle behind my back.  
  
"Nothing. I'm fine, go back to sleep."  
  
"'Kay. 'Night," she said. I took a deep breath. It was too risky up here, I'd get caught. I'd have to go into the Common Room. I slipped my Asian robe over my black nightie, and hid the bottle within the folds of the black silk as I made my way down the stairs as quietly as possible. The fire was burning weakly still. And someone was watching it intently from the sofa.  
  
"Remus, what are you doing down here?" I asked. He looked up at me.  
  
"I can't sleep," he explained. He looked as lost and forlorn as I felt. I sat down across from him and pulled and end table between us as an afterthought.  
  
"Wanna play a game?" I proposed.  
  
"What kind of game?"  
  
"I just made it up," I informed, pulling the bottle out and setting it on the end table. "You tell the other person a reason why your life sucks, then you get to take a drink. Affectionately known as 'Life Sucks Shots'." Remus started at the bottle, eyes wide.  
  
"How'd you get your hands on this?" he wondered.  
  
"I have my sources," I responded.  
  
"Yeah, but Moonshine?"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"We ARE underage, you know that, right?"  
  
"You bet your wolfish ass I do," I replied rather snappily. "But we're both depressed people, and I think we deserve it. Are you game?"  
  
***  
  
"I turn into a bloody flesh-eating monster every time the moon is full," Remus stated, grabbing the bottle from Kitty and taking a drink. She rolled her eyes.  
  
"My dad was a Vampire," she said. Remus nodded solemnly and handed the bottle back to her as she took her own swig. This went on for a half hour, then more personal topics started to arise.  
  
"I've never kissed a girl."  
  
"My boyfriend fucks every girl in school."  
  
"If I got someone pregnant, she'd have puppies."  
  
"If I got pregnant, there's a good chance I'd give birth to a demon."  
  
"I'm in love," Remus began, his words now slightly slurred, "with a normal girl who doesn't know what I am."  
  
"I'm in love with a normal boy who doesn't give a damn about me."  
  
"I can't get too close to her, because if something goes wrong and the Wolf takes over, I could kill her. And then I'd want to die." He put his head in his hands. Kitty touched his hand sympathetically.  
  
"Maggie?"  
  
"Of course," he answered. Kitty sighed.  
  
"That's awful, but I've got you beaten," she informed.  
  
"How?"  
  
"My mum hanged herself on my sixth birthday. And I found the body."  
  
Remus winced, and passed her the bottle.  
  
"I think you deserve the whole thing," he commented. Kitty gave him a wry smile.  
  
"Well, now you know why I live with Lily," she said. "You're the only one who knows the truth, other than Dumbledore and Lily's family."  
  
"You haven't even told Sirius?" Kitty scoffed at that.  
  
"What would HE care?" she snapped bitterly. "It's not as though my heart, mind, or soul means anything to him. Even if I DID tell him, he'd probably tune me out and go fuck some random girl. I swear to God, Remus, I tried not to love him, but..." She broke off, fighting back tears. Remus sat beside her and hugged her tightly, allowing her to cry on his shoulder.  
  
"Come on, you don't know how he feels, do you?"  
  
"He doesn't feel anything! He doesn't care about me at all! It hurts so much sometimes... I don't know what to do, Remus. I just don't know."  
  
"Hey, if you think you'll get any good advice from me, you're sorely mistaken," he said. "I'm just as confused and emotionally torn as you are, and to top it all off, I'm an idiot." Kitty laughed a little.  
  
"No, you're not. You're the wisest person I know, aside from Dumbledore, of course."  
  
"Stop, I'm blushing," he joked. Kitty giggled.  
  
"Remus?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Thank you. For being such a good friend."  
  
"Don't mention it. Thanks for the booze."  
  
"Don't mention it."  
  
(A/N- Yes, it took a LONG time, you can beat me if you want! I'm SOOOOO sorry! PLEASE forgive me? I'll try to get the next update out quicker, okay?) 


	8. Hangovers and Reflexes

Sirius: *has just finished reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix. Puts the book down with a dazed and horrified look* I...I can't...I can't believe it.... Sh-SHE KILLED ME OFF!  
  
James: Hey, I got killed off in the first one, how do you think I feel?  
  
Sirius: Yeah, but people didn't have time to start to love you! Think of my public! *launches into overdramatic weeping*  
  
Remus: *looks at HealerAriel* Well, this puts a damper on your planned sequels, doesn't it?  
  
HealerAriel: Hey, you forget, I'm a fanfic authoress. As such, I have a certain power that no wizard possesses. Yes, my friends, I am speaking of plot holes!  
  
Guys: Oh, really?  
  
HealerAriel: Yep. And with these, I fully intend to create an alternate reality, in which Siri's completely unscathed, and poor Harry's fifth year doesn't suck so bad.  
  
Sirius: *pumps fist in the air* YEAH! Who ever said a crazed fanfic authoress having a crush on you was a bad thing?! Haha! *does a remarkably stupid dance*  
  
HealerAriel: And speaking of OoTP... I am appalled at your behavior, James. I mean, you were such an asshole! How the hell did you get into Gryffindor?  
  
James: I's sorry...  
  
Sirius: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can I narrate now? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?  
  
HealerAriel: I was planning on letting one of the girls...  
  
Sirius: But I need to get my mind off my untimely death....*adorable pouty face, complete with puppy-dog eyes*  
  
Remus: Oy.  
  
.(A/N- for reference, I have nothing against blondes, so don't flame me later. You'll see why.)  
  
.  
  
*Narrated, obviously, by the illustrious Mr. Black*  
  
I must say that I am a genius. I mean, I have sneaking in and out of dormitories down to an ART. You name anyone else in Hogwarts - or the WORLD, for that matter - who can do that, and you can call me a House Elf. Hey, it's not my fault I'm perfect.  
  
I tossed James's Invisibility Cloak onto his bed upon reentering our dorm, and he woke up with a grunt of  
  
"Lily?"  
  
"Well, I certainly know what YOU were dreaming about Prongs," I accused, grinning, as I stripped to my underwear. (A/N- what red-blooded teenaged female would NOT want to be in that room right now?)  
  
"Can't help it, she's hot," he replied. "So, how was Hufflepuff?"  
  
"Warm and moist," I answered, slipping into my bed.  
  
"The weather, or the girls?"  
  
"Both."  
  
"Touche, Mr. Padfoot."  
  
"You know," a very sleepy-sounding Remus muttered from the bed next to mine, "if you guys keep waking me up at all hours of the night with perverted stories, I may have to exact my prefect-ness on your asses." I rolled my eyes and heard James groan loudly.  
  
"If you give a werewolf a badge, he'll want to give you detention," I sighed. "I remember a long time ago when you were fun, Moony."  
  
"Me, fun? I was never fun. I've always been the responsible prat who tells you to do your homework."  
  
"Yeah, but we never had to LISTEN to you before," James replied.  
  
"You STILL don't listen to me."  
  
"The point is that now we're supposed to, and that in itself can really kill all the fun."  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
"Yup?"  
  
"You're an idiot."  
  
"That may be true, but I'm a very sexy idiot."  
  
***  
  
*Narrated by Kitty again! Yay!*  
  
I was on my third cup of coffee. Honestly, I would have preferred to be happily asleep in my bed, rather than in the bright, noisy Great Hall. Damn Lily's early-morning energy.  
  
"Kitty?" the woman of the hour herself asked, giving me a concerned green gaze. "Are you feeling alright? You look terrible. You really should eat something, you know."  
  
"I'm not hungry," I mumbled, trying to ignore my throbbing head. Not for the first time, I had drank far too much out of heartache. Sirius Black would be the death of me.  
  
"Are you sure?" Lily pressed on. I nodded. Her slightly high-pitched 'mother' tone was only serving to aggravate my lovely, alcohol-induced migraine. Anything to shut her up would have been nice. But it seemed shutting up was not in the cards, as I was soon bombarded by three NEW high- pitched voices. This fresh torture came in the forms of Amberlee Winters, Gracie McNeal, and (the last girl I wanted to see at the moment) Jessica Love.  
  
"Ugh, why me?" I groaned into my coffee mug, as the three of them sat, prettily and chipperly as possible, in the chairs surrounding me and Lily. And then proceeded to dicuss the last BOY I wanted to see at the moment. I wondered, as Jessica described what she had done with Black the night before, if I could get away with practicing my inherent Dark Gifts on her. This happy, bloody fantasy was interrupted by three sets of shrill giggles. I noticed Lily giving me a sympathetic look. I shrugged at her.  
  
"I'm sorry, I must have missed the finer points of the conversation while I was attempting to drown myself in my coffee," I said. Jessica giggled again and tossed her white-blond curls over her shoulder, then fixed powder-blue eyes on me.  
  
"Oh, Kitty, you look so bad," she said in this sickly sweet tone that just made me want to kill her. Jessica's two sidekicks nodded in agreement.  
  
"You should see Madam Pomfrey," Gracie advised, twirling a strand of golden hair with her long pink fingernails.  
  
"You do look dreadfully pale," Amberlee added.  
  
"I'm always pale," I informed rather snappishly. And people wonder why I hate blondes...  
  
"Well...well, yes," Amberlee replied, looking sheepish. "But you look paler today. Have you got a fever?" I intercepted the perfectly manicured and bejeweled hand before it connected with my forehead.  
  
"No, I do not," I answered, squeezing her wrist with a bit of vampiric strength thrown in for good measure. She winced satisfactorily, and I let go. Then it became all the more apparent that this was not my day.  
  
"Oooh!" Jessica squealed (it felt like my head was going to split in two), standing up and waving to the newly present Marauders. I growled as Lily and James exchanged kissy-kissy greetings, and a certain cheating bastard was smothered with affection, courtesy of Jessica, Gracie, and Amberlee. Our resident werewolf seated himself next to me.  
  
"Geez, Kitty, you look like hell," he said quietly.  
  
"Yep. I have a fucking hangover the size of Black's ego, and I'm surrounded by a bunch of loud blonde airheads. My day's going great so far, how about yours?" He have me his trademark gentle smile and put a comforting arm around my shoulders.  
  
"If it helps, things'll get worse before they get any better," he offered. I snorted and grinned at him.  
  
"That helps a lot, Remus, thank you."  
  
***  
  
*And now, back to Sirius, since he's nagging me!*  
  
Somewhere in the middle of my very warm welcome, I caught sight of a very discombobulated-looking Kitty VonSteffon sitting across the table. With Remus's arm around her. It felt like my blood had caught on fire, and I had the sudden unexplainable urge to transform and remove that arm with my teeth. I shook my head. Really, this was silly, Remus wouldn't...  
  
"Didn't realize you two were so close," I found myself snapping. Remus instantly folded his hands on the table.  
  
"Kitty has a headache," he explained in that unnervingly calm tone.  
  
"Oh, really? Drink too much last night?" I asked.  
  
"Go to hell, Black," Kitty suggested.  
  
"Ah, hangover and PMS, I see." Kitty calmly flipped me off, and rose shakily from the table.  
  
"I'm gonna go see if one of Lily's spellbooks has anything for headaches," she muttered. When she'd gone, Remus stared at me.  
  
"What the hell was THAT all about?" he demanded as I sat down.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You were bloody GROWLING at me!"  
  
"You had your arm around her," I accused.  
  
"You're one hell of a hypocrite sometimes, Padfoot," he informed. "How d'you think SHE feels when you've got other girls all over YOU?"  
  
"Thank you, Moony, I'll ponder that. In the meantime, keep off my territory, or we may not be friends very long," I snarled.  
  
"Dammit, Sirius, LISTEN to me for once, okay? I. Have. No. Interest. In. Kitty. She is a close friend, that's it."  
  
"Exactly HOW close is debatable."  
  
"Oh, for God's sake! Look, she may as well be a guy to me, okay? I have no romantic and/or sexual interest in her whatsoever. I like M-" He promptly shut up. I smirked.  
  
"No, no, go on. Finish the sentence, Moony, I'm curious. Who DO you like? Hmm, couldn't be HER then could it?" I teased, as a certain young klutz made her way to our table.  
  
"You really suck," Remus informed, blushing, before standing up and catching Klutz as she tripped over her robes.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry about that," she said quietly, her own face bright pink as she took a seat next to him.  
  
"Don't worry about it," I assured. "By the end of the year, his reflexes should be so sharp that he may actually have a chance at being on the Quidditch team. He's been rather pathetic these past few tryouts."  
  
"Mind you that I only tried out because you and James were nagging me to," he stated. "I quote: 'C'mon, Moony, think of it! Chicks love Quidditch players, it won't even matter that you're pale and scrawny!'"  
  
"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" I crowed happily, proceeding to laugh my (fine) ass off at the memory. Remus rolled his eyes. Klutz giggled.  
  
"Glad you enjoyed it, Sirius, because as I remember, you happened to have blurted it out in Professor McGonagall's class, and SHE was none too pleased."  
  
"Ah, the old bat's never pleased. She's got a boot up her-" Remus was giving me THAT LOOK. "...Right, well, anyway, you don't have to worry about girls anymore, do you? I mean, hey, girls have literally been FALLING into your lap these days, haven't they?" THAT LOOK turned into the 'I'll bite you if you don't stop embarrassing me' look.  
  
"Sirius," he warned. I held up my hands in defeat.  
  
"Okay, okay. You win, I was just commenting on your recent stroke of luck," I added, winking.  
  
"What do you m-?"  
  
"I'll tell you when you're older, Klutz."  
  
(A/N- yes, I know, it sucks, I'm sorry! I'll try to do better next time, I promise!) 


	9. Animagi and Werewolves

(A/N- for the first time, I think I'll be doing reviewer response! Okay, so I don't remember your names, but I'm responding anyways. First matter of business:  
  
I've been getting a lot of reviews along the lines of "Great story, but your raving about them being hetero is pissing me off". For this I apologize, because in retrospect, I find MYSELF thinking that I've been pretty rude with that, and/or repetative. But you gotta understand, when I typed those, I was REALLY pissed at some of those charmers who came in for the sole purpose of flaming me - and when I'm pissed, I have a tendency to get a wee bit carried away. What I'm trying to say is, please do not judge my character on my several anger-induced lapses of sanity. I'm actually rather ashamed of myself for them, so please don't make me feel more guilty, otay? ^_^;  
  
And another of you stated that Sirius seemed a little conceited. You are not imagining things, that's how I pictured him for some reason. And hey, a hot guy is entitled to be conceited, non? Or...could this be a big facade, to try and cover up for the fact that he feels unwanted by his family? (I wasn't even thinking about my Siri's attention-loving ways as having stemmed from such a thing until I read the fifth book, and it all made an odd sort of sense in a psychological way... Maybe I'm not as much of a lunatic as I thought I was! Or maybe it's a huge coincidence, I'm a lucky fool, and I should just get on with the damned story!)  
  
(A/N- one more quick note: for those who didn't know already, Narcissus was a Greek god who was madly in love with himself. Hence, the term narcissist, which is applied to a very self-loving sort of person. ...Yeah, this note'll make sense later on.)  
  
*Narrated by the charming, handsome, darling, absolutely-wonderful-in-every- way, and sometimes-furry Mr. Lupin*  
  
"Earth to Moony," Sirius called, waving a hand in front of my face, and breaking my concentration on the nearly full moon outside the common room window.  
  
"Um, sorry," I mumbled. James nodded sympathetically.  
  
"We know, that time of the month." His face broke out into a huge goofy grin. "But, guess what?" I looked around at my fellow Marauders, all of whom were wearing similar silly expressions. I was suddenly feeling very nervous.  
  
"Do I want to know?" I asked cautiously. More often than not, such an assortment of facial expressions meant that A) we were in huge trouble, B) we were about to do something that would get us INTO huge trouble, or C) James and Sirius had smuggled quite a bit of rum out of the kitchens.  
  
"Hell yes," Sirius said, looking like he was about to explode into one of his fits of random hyperactivity. He leaned forward, looked me dead in the eye, and whispered, "We DID it!"  
  
"...You've lost me, Padfoot," I informed. My immature buddy made a big show of rolling his eyes and sighing loudly, and declared,  
  
"YOU tell him, James!" before leaning back and pulling out his brand new mirror to admire himself. James gave Sirius a complementary smack upside the head, and proceeded to continue where Sirius had left off.  
  
"What our Earthly incarnation of Narcissus is trying to say, is that we finished the transformation. We're Animagi!" James finished, looking as though he, too, could have burst into hyperactivity. I stared at each of them.  
  
"No way."  
  
"Yes way," Sirius replied, smiling like a madman and bouncing up and down happily in his seat. My own face broke out into a huge smile, and the four of us had a temporary lapse of manliness. That's right: group hug, complete with hopping around in a circle and - yes - giggling.  
  
To our credit, as soon as we realized what we were doing, we jerked away from each other, coughing in embarrassment. But, not soon enough, obviously.  
  
"Awww, another warm, fuzzy, Marauders moment." We all whirled around to face the intruder. Pardon me, INTRUDERS: Lily, Kitty, and Maggie. Cue involuntary blush from Mr. Moony.  
  
"What do you mean, ANOTHER one, Lily!?" Sirius demanded.  
  
"Yeah, we're not usually sappy!" James cried. "You just caught us at a-"  
  
"A particularly feminine juncture?" Kitty supplied, smirking.  
  
"Exactly!" Sirius agreed, pumping a fist in the air. "Thank you, Kitty, darling, you put it so brilliantly!"  
  
"Oh, shut up, Black," she snapped. Okay, so THAT relationship was still in hot water and surrounded by a pack of hungry sharks... But then, when HADN'T it been? Hell, ever since those two had started "dating" in first year, they'd had a love-hate relationship. Of course, I had to admit that this was mainly Sirius's fault, for his Don Juan antics, but Kitty kind of exacerbated the situation when she tried to get back at him by making him jealous - especially since Sirius had a jealous streak two miles wide anyway, and tended to get rather...violent...when he thought someone else might have a chance at anything he considered to be his.  
  
"Ah, still have that PMS, I see," Sirius said, grinning. "Although I'm not complaining, it's all the more enjoyable when you're in a violent mood." Okay, this would be a perverted and possibly explosive discussion. I moved away slowly, and sat next to the window.  
  
***  
  
*And now, Maggie narration. Don't you love it when I switch narrators in the middle of a chapter?*  
  
Sirius and Kitty had started a conversation that could lead to either homicide or sex. Personally, I thought Remus had the right idea, and went to join him at the far side of the room. He didn't even look up as I stood next to him; he seemed to be staring at the moon. That was...odd.  
  
"Remus?" No reply. I tapped his shoulder, and he jumped.  
  
"What? Oh, sorry, I didn't notice you there," he apologized.  
  
"You've been acting strange all this week," I said.  
  
"Strange, how?"  
  
"Well, you've been kind of spacey," I replied. "And you look really pale. You're not getting sick, are you?"  
  
"What, me? Of course not," he assured, giving me an obviously forced smile. I touched his cheek, and felt his face warm considerably under my fingers.  
  
"Are you sure?" I asked. He nodded, now blushing furiously. I had a feeling I was doing the same, actually.'Oh, right, Maggie,' I scolded myself, 'any excuse to touch him!' Oh, but he was sooo cute... Ugh, I was acting like a lovesick schoolgirl! Of course, by definition I WAS a lovesick schoolgirl, but that was entirely beside the point. You'd think that surrounded by all this magic, someone would have come up with an Anti- Blushing Charm, wouldn't you? Yet, no such luck.  
  
I regretfully took my hand away from his face, and cleared my throat.  
  
"Well, um, anyway," I began, holding up the book in my other hand, "I have to study. We're having a quiz in Defense Against the Dark Arts tomorrow." He nodded again.  
  
"If you need any help, I'll be right here," he offered. I thanked him, and curled up in a chair next to the fireplace. And I attempted to read as strange little thoughts entered my head.  
  
'He was looking ill about this time last month, wasn't he?' I asked myself, glancing over to where he sat, looking out the window again. 'Yes. Then he disappeared for a day, and came back exhausted. I don't think the boys said anything about him being sick, though...'  
  
I shook my head. It was ridiculous to worry about something like that. I looked back to my book. One section seemed to jump out at me,  
  
'There are a few ways one could attempt to identify the werewolf while he/she is in human form. It is very common, in the week proceeding the full moon, for someone cursed with lycanthropy to appear very pale and sickly, and spend his/her time staring at the moon...'  
  
I read through the rest of that paragraph. Looked at Remus. Read the paragraph again. '...the week proceeding the full moon...' I pulled out my Astronomy chart, and felt a definite chill.  
  
The next full moon was tomorrow night. I flipped back to the day Remus was gone the month before. Full moon. 'This has to be a coincidence,' I assured myself. 'There's no way my Remus is a werewolf. And yet...' I looked over at him again. I felt an odd sort of smile come over my face. 'I suppose hands-off for one night each month isn't too bad...'  
  
It became glaringly obvious just then that I was spending far too much time with Sirius Black and James Potter. 


	10. A TwoWay Mirror Can Be Used Against One

(A/N- Diane, Cassie - this one's for you.)  
  
.  
  
Sirius: *bouncing up and down* Can I turn into a dog in this chapter? Please please please?  
  
HealerAriel: ...We'll see.  
  
Sirius: Come ON! I wanna! *puppy face, followed by more bouncing*  
  
HealerAriel: *suspicious glare at James and Remus* Did you guys let him have pocky again?  
  
James and Remus: ^_^;  
  
HealerAriel: -_-  
  
Sirius: ^__________^ Pockypockypockypockypocky! *does cartwheels* Wheeee!  
  
James: *cracks Sirius upside the head with HealerAriel's lava lamp* That better, Healer?  
  
HealerAriel: *prods unconcious Sirius* Yup, thanks Jimmy. Just for that, you get to be the first narrator in this chapter.  
  
James: Heehee! ^_^  
  
(A/N- Guess who's in this chapter? Andromeda Black! Why? Because I like her, that's why. And since she's never seen in the books - only mentioned by name - I can give her whatever personality I want to! Oh, and I made up a name for Sirius's mom, because they don't give her one in the OoTP other than "Mrs. Black". Artistic license!  
  
Oh, and if you read this, Andy, I'm borrowing your name. ^_^ You're a good man, I figured you wouldn't mind)  
  
(A/N again- this chapter is RATED R. It's not graphic, but I wanna be safe. Thank you) .  
  
*Narrated by James, because HealerAriel (almost) ALWAYS keeps her word*  
  
.  
  
Needless to say, I was having a damn good time watching Sirius and Kitty engage in their little battle. Lily thinks it's awful that I can extract amusement from such a thing, but I guess girls just don't understand how much fun it is to see one's best friend get smacked across the face. Honestly, I'm beginning to think Sirius LIKES being slapped: he certainly goes out of his way to incur the Wrath of Kitty. Oh well, to each his own, I'm no one to criticize Sirius's unhealthy fetishes.  
  
Either way, the show was getting pretty good, so Wormtail and I decided to sit back with some freshly conjured popcorn and watch the action. Lily gave us scornful glares. I shrugged and stuffed a mouthful of the buttery snack food into my mouth.  
  
"FUCK YOU, BLACK!" Kitty roared.  
  
"Oh, yes please," Sirius replied instantly, giving her a suggestive wink. *SMACK!* Ah, the first slap of the evening! Peter and I started snickering, and stuffed more popcorn into our mouths to muffle the sound, lest Kitty turn on us. Hey, she slaps HARD! It's the vampiric strength, I tell you, no other girl slaps that hard.  
  
"I'm not sure I deserved that," Sirius said, gently touching the bright red handprint on his cheek.  
  
"No," Kitty informed, her blood-red lips curled into a fang-bearing snarl, "You didn't deserve that. You deserve to be FLAYED!" A collective wince went around the room. Sirius gave her his patented seductive pout (he owns a whole line of seductive looks, all of which have proven to work quite well on just about any chick in the school. Wish I could pull that off...damn him).  
  
"Aww, how 'bout just some good, old-fashioned BDS&M?" *SMACK!* Now the OTHER cheek had a handprint. Kitty was on a roll, two slaps in less than two minutes!  
  
"Hmph!" Kitty turned on her heel, dark brown curls effectively whipping Sirius across the face, and stormed up to the girls' dormitory. Sirius watched her go. Lily gave an exasperated sigh.  
  
"WHY do you go out of your way to make her angry, Sirius?" she demanded in a particularly 'mother' way.  
  
"She's hot when she's pissed..." he replied, licking his lips. Lily rolled her eyes.  
  
"I'll never understand men."  
  
"Well, Sirius isn't technically a MAN," I informed helpfully, knowing full well that Sirius was too sexually charged at the moment to realize that I was questioning his gender, and therefore sock me in the gut in retalliation. Peter giggled. In the MANLY way that we Marauders do, of course. ...Oh hell, who am I kidding? SO GUYS GIGGLE, TOO, OKAY?! We just hate to admit it. No matter: I, James Potter, am secure enough in my masculinity to confess that I do giggle on occasion. But, er, JUST on occasion. Ahem! Anyway...  
  
"Does that...happen a lot?" Klutz asked from across the room, curled up in her chair like a frightened kitten.  
  
"Yes," everyone in the room (except Sirius, who was still in a lustful trance) responded in unison.  
  
"Ah," she said, nodding.  
  
"Excuse me, folks," Sirius said, having finally rejoined the world of the mentally living, and making his way toward the same stairway Kitty had gone up. "I'll be back in while. Wouldn't advise any of you come up and check on me..."  
  
"God, I hope they'll shut up a bit this time," Andromeda Black grumbled as Sirius sprinted up the stairs. "It's utterly disturbing to hear my baby cousin getting laid..."  
  
"No doubt," Lily agreed, patting Andromeda's shoulder sympathetically.  
  
"I SHOULD threaten to write to his mother," Andromeda informed, shaking her blonde head. "I really should."  
  
"Why don't you?" Lily asked.  
  
"Because the woman's an abomination, and I've no doubt SHE WOULD try to flay him," Andromeda explained. "Aunt Hera can be quite the-"  
  
"Bitch?" I offered. Andromeda pondered that for a moment, then nodded in agreement.  
  
"Hey, look what I found," Peter said, holding up his discovery. "I think it's-" I snatched the object out of his hand.  
  
"It's that little two-way mirror he made last month!" I crowed happily. Sirius had never let us touch the thing - said it was a show of his magical prowess and that gits like us would only break it. The fact that we probably WOULD have was entirely beside the point. "Spiffy!"  
  
"You nabbed the two-way mirror?" Remus asked with utter interest. Go figure, his friend's various magical grooming items are more intriguing to a werewolf than staring blankly at the moon. Not that I could blame him, I'd wanted to get my hands on this baby since I'd heard it existed.  
  
"Hell yes!" I hissed.  
  
"So...how d'you reckon it works?" Peter asked. I shrugged, and thrust the mirror into Remus's hands.  
  
"Here, you're the clever one in this outfit - YOU figure out how to work this thing." Remus looked pensive for a moment.  
  
"Well, I've read about the concept. Whoever has a corresponding mirror, you say their name into it, and it'll activate theirs. And, considering this is Padfoot we're talking about-"  
  
"Gryffindor girls' dormitory!" I said into the mirror gleefully. And of course, since I'm a genius, the mirror got all wavy, before showing the fifth year girls' dormitory. Lily let out a cry of indignation.  
  
"THAT PERVERT, HOW DARE HE?!" she screeched. "THAT IS A NAKED PLACE!"  
  
"Speaking of," I chuckled, pointing out to my fellow Marauders what the mirror was currently depicting. We were suddenly surrounded by everyone currently in the Common Room. Turns out, Kitty's bed is very easy to see from the mirror in the girls' dorm.  
  
"Yeah!" a seventh year by the name of Andrew Thompson yelled, staring intently into the mirror.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen," I announced, taking the role of commentator, "she's hot, she's sexy, and she's gonna get NAKED!"  
  
"HONESTLY!" Lily scolded, lunging for the mirror that I skillfully kept out of her reach. "You people are completely- Wow. Sirius is...truly blessed... Hey, gimme that mirror a minute."  
  
"NO!" I snapped irritably.  
  
***  
  
*Narrated by Kitty*  
  
Sure, Sirius Black is an asshole, but I must admit, he IS amazing in bed. The fact that I was so carried away with his every lovely action at the moment was probably why he realized before I did,  
  
"D'you hear that?"  
  
"Hear what?" I panted, dissapointed that he'd paused.  
  
"Lots of yelling in the Common Room...Oh God," he groaned, giving the full-length mirror near my bed a hateful glare.  
  
"What?"  
  
"One moment," he said, kissing my throat before climbing out of bed to give the mirror a very rude hand gesture and cover it with a quilt. He was right - as soon as he did that, there was a chorus of unhappy masculine yells from downstairs. He smirked, and rejoined me. "Sorry to keep you waiting, milady."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
(A/N- And sorry to keep YOU waiting! I just finally got inspiration for this fic! All my others are still at a standstill! T_T Writer's block sucks!) 


	11. Canines And Kitties In Bad Moods

(A/N- I know, I know, I'm horrible! This fic has ten chapters in two years of existence! I'm SOOOO sorry! Gomen nasai! Je regrette!)  
  
(A/N 2.0- I would like to warn you that for the duration of my Harry Potter fic-writing career, I will be utterly ignoring the Canon Timeline, because I like it better my way. Thank you, and enjoy.)  
  
Narrated by Maggie  
  
Those of us left in the Common Room sat in relative silence after Sirius had obstructed the view of the show he and Kitty were putting on upstairs. Honestly, I think the only reason we stayed quiet so long is that there were some interesting banging sounds emanating from the fifth year girls' dorm that nobody wanted to miss, out of sheer morbid curiosity.  
  
"Hmm, you know," James said after about seven minutes, stroking a nonexistant goatee and looking pensive, "it really is kind of amazing Padfoot hasn't knocked anyone up yet."  
  
"Yeah, that is a bit of a conundrum, isn't it?" Remus added, nodding his agreement.  
  
"Maybe he's sterile," Lily suggested, looking strangely hopeful that this was indeed the case. "That would solve a lot of the world's potential problems." I giggled a bit.  
  
"Copies of Sirius running around, I can only imagine," I said. Sirius's cousin Andromeda gave me a lopsided grin.  
  
"One Sirius Black is quite enough," she informed. "I love him dearly, of course, but sometimes-"  
  
"He's an overzealous fella?" James offered.  
  
"Stop finishing my sentences, Potter, you little twerp!" Andromeda laughed, chucking a pillow at his head, which he artfully dodged, three seconds before a cry of  
  
"OH GOD, YES!" echoed down the stairs. Andromeda smacked her forehead and groaned, looking utterly disturbed by the knowledge of what was going on. For better or for worse, though, I was curious.  
  
"Does it really...feel that good?" I asked quietly, feeling myself blush. There was an enthusiastic reply of "Yes!" from almost everyone except Remus (don't get me wrong, it's not that we Gryffindors have loose morals about sexuality, it's just that I had a bit of a habit of staying around the older students - I can promise you that if the room weren't full of fifth, sixth, and seventh years at the time, the response would have been wholly different). I looked at him questioningly. He shrugged, turning pink.  
  
"Don't ask me, I haven't done it," he admitted, looking embarrassed to share this information.  
  
"Oh, you're a virgin, that's so cute, Remie!" Andromeda cooed, tousling his sandy hair. A lot of the girls followed suit, crooning about how sweet and darling he was. And he looked like he couldn't have hated it more.  
  
A tall, sixth-year brunette named Emily started petting my hair.  
  
"We've forgotten the other innocent in the room, you guys," she announced, smiling down at me with a sort of sisterly fondness. "Sweet little Maggie. Someday you'll find a nice boy, and you'll learn all this firsthand."  
  
"Or maybe she and Remus can practice together!" Andrew hooted.  
  
"There's an idea," Emily giggled. "Would you like that, Maggie?"  
  
"Oooh, they're blushing!" another girl pointed out helpfully. Remus looked like he wanted to sink into the floorboards and die - basically, the same plan of action that was forming in my head.  
  
"D'you like him, Maggie?" Emily prompted, apparently not willing to let the subject drop. "Isn't he cute?"  
  
"D'you want to bed him?" a boy named Joel chimed in.  
  
"This is getting stupid," Remus informed them, his voice sounding flatter and colder than I'd ever heard it. It seemed the rest of them weren't too used to it, either, because they shut up immediately. Joel grinned sheepishly.  
  
"Sorry, mate. Just a bit of fun," he assured.  
  
"I am not amused. Leave the kid alone." My heart sank at being referred to by my love interest as 'The Kid'. Although he WAS speaking up in my defense, I reminded myself, so it wasn't all bad. And they were taking him so seriously that not even James chanced a witty comment when he bid me to follow him out into the hallway.  
  
"Er, Remus? Where exactly are we going?" I enquired. "I mean, not that I'm complaining, but it IS getting rather late and-"  
  
"I just wanted to get us out of there, okay? Does that work for you?" he snapped, finally turning to face me to reveal a slight yellow glow in his eyes. I took a step away from him, hurt and a little spooked.  
  
"You're really cranky when you're ill," I muttered, having the feeling that I was pouting a bit - it's a bad habit of mine. He sighed deeply, and sank to the floor, leaning against the cold stone wall.  
  
"Sorry," he grumbled. I sat down beside him, drawing my knees up to my chest and hooking my arms around them. He continued, "It's just so annoying sometimes, you know?"  
  
"What is?"  
  
"That whole scene in the Common Room? That's not the half of it. 'Oh, Remus, you're so darling,'" he mocked, his voice a startlingly good mimicry of Andromeda's. "Damn it."  
  
"So? They think you're sweet, I wasn't under the impression that that was a bad thing."  
  
"Heh. No, I suppose not, for girls. For guys, it gets pretty irritating to always be the 'sweet' one." He laughed bitterly. "The girls always come to you for advice on how to get OTHER guys; I'm the goddamned perpetual friend! I may as well be every girl in school's personal teddybear for all I'm worth."  
  
Despite his complaints, I still couldn't say I really understood why this was a negative role.  
  
"Teddybears are nice to have," I said, taking a stab at humor. He snorted. Okay, I wasn't the sort of comedian James and Sirius were. I'd have to work on that one. "For what it's worth," I continued, my heart beating like a jackhammer, and feeling as though I may actually have been in danger of fainting, "I like you the way you are."  
  
"Trust me, if you knew me half as well as you think you do, you wouldn't," he said cryptically.  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked, looking into his face and pretending I didn't notice the light reflecting off his eyes (which, honestly, is one of the coolest things I've ever seen). He shook his head.  
  
"Nevermind, it's not important," he mumbled. Ah, must have been that werewolf thing... Well, come on, did he really expect no one but James, Sirius, and Peter to figure it out? How daft did he think the student body of Hogwarts was?! I mean, sure, the Hufflepuffs wouldn't have had the mental capacity to put two and two together - I immediately berated myself for insulting the intelligence of the Hufflepuff students. That wasn't a nice thing to do, even if they WERE stupid... Damn, now I'd done it again! I needed to stop talking to Sirius, honestly, he was influencing me!  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Narrated by Prongs  
  
Alright, in retrospect, it was pretty rotten of us to pick on Remus and Klutz like that, but it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Eh, like they say, hindsight's always twenty/twenty. On the downside, though, Petey and I were now amazingly bored, since the other half of the Marauders were off with their respective chicks.  
  
Hence, we were now staring at each other, trying to come up with something to do that would only take two people. We considered a karaoke contest, but it was quickly vetoed due to the fact that everyone in the room starting screaming in pain when I launched into "Sufin' U.S.A".  
  
"Okay, I get it, I can't sing!" I whined, putting on my saddest face.  
  
"It's not really that, mate," Ted Tonks assured, clapping me on the shoulder. "I mean, you're a terrible singer, but I'm also not a Beach Boys fan." Peter and I stared at him in disbelief.  
  
"BLASPHEMY!" we cried in unison, pouncing on the (quite ripped, if any girls wanted to know) seventh year.  
  
"It really could have been worse, Teddy," Andromeda told her boyfriend as he tried to peel Peter and me away from him. "I once heard James singing an Elvis medley."  
  
"You're a disgrace to Englishmen everywhere, James Potter," Ted said seriously.  
  
"Hey, I like The Beatles too!" I exclaimed in a desperate attempt to redeem myself.  
  
"You're too big a fan of American music, Jim, there can be no salvation." Joel informed.  
  
"SIRIUS SINGS MICHAEL JACKSON LYRICS IN THE SHOWER!" I yelled. When all else fails, shift the blame to someone else. There was a collective gasp around the room.  
  
"Michael Jackson?" Lily asked, disbelievingly. I nodded sadly.  
  
"It's true," I admitted. "He knows every word to 'Thriller.'" On cue, a cry came through the ceiling in the form of  
  
"BASTARD! YOU SWORE TO SECRECY!"  
  
"SORRY, PADFOOT!" I hollered upwards, feeling almost sincere. Okay, I lie, I didn't really care.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
. Narrated by Padfoot  
  
I let out a string of expletives. Kitty was smirking maddeningly and raising one eyebrow at me.  
  
"Mr. Black... I never would have known you to be a Jacko fan." I grumbled and rolled onto my back, crossing my arms and pouting.  
  
"Now YOU'RE teasing me, too?" I asked, giving her my sad face. She laughed! And to make matters worse, she climbed out of the bed and started getting dressed! "No!" I cried, throwing my arms around her waist. "I'll never listen to Micheal Jackson again! Just get back in the bed!"  
  
"You bastard," she said coldly, the light-hearted and - dare I say? - cheerful air having evidently gone completely bye-bye. Shit.  
  
"Oh, God, what did I do THIS time?" I groaned into her stomach.  
  
"THIS time?!" she snapped, pushing me away. "How about EVERY time?!"  
  
"I missed a crucial detail, didn't I?"  
  
"Goddammit, Black!" Okay, she looked pissed... And more than that, I couldn't figure out what I'd done to piss her off!  
  
"Kitty? You're confusing Sirius," I informed helpfully. She glared at me with the utmost hatred. I think I may have cringed.  
  
"Stop pretending to be stupid," she hissed, baring her sharp teeth. "You know damn well what I'm talking about!" (WHY do chicks always assume that? It's right up there with "It's not what you said, it's how you said it"!)  
  
"Er, actually, no I... I don't," I said honestly. "But, if you told me what was wrong-"  
  
"ARE YOU REALLY THAT OBLIVIOUS?!" she screamed. This time I'm SURE I cringed.  
  
"Um...yes?"  
  
"Here's a hint," she said, still glaring at me. "You are a lecher. You don't give a flying fuck about any girl in this school, least of all me, and yet you bang us all anyway."  
  
"I DO care about you, Kitty-"  
  
"No, you don't!"  
  
"Yes I do!"  
  
"STOP THAT!" she screeched. "Just stop! All this time you've been telling me you care, and I keep coming back to you because I'm fool enough to believe that just MAYBE it's not complete bullshit. But it IS complete bullshit, and it always has been!"  
  
"Kitty-"  
  
"Get out, Black."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Out," she commanded again, pointing to the door. I put my hands up as a sign of surrender, stopping to hastily pull on my trousers before backing out of the room, a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach.  
  
"She'll come around," I assured myself under my breath. Well, she always did, right? Yeah... this wouldn't last too long... Nope, not too long. No way...  
  
I got into the Common Room. Walked straight out the portrait hole amid a mass of confused faces. Headed toward the kitchen.  
  
I needed some liquor. Some very strong liquor.  
  
.  
  
(A/N- See, a small attack of conscience...) 


	12. Drunken Padfoot

Narrated by Moony  
  
It was nearly midnight, the Common Room was almost empty, and Sirius had been gone for three hours. Despite ourselves, James and I had started to worry (Peter had long since fallen asleep on the couch).  
  
"D'you know what the fight was about?" I asked him, rubbing my eyes. He shook his head.  
  
"Nah. Just heard her yell some things at him."  
  
"Shall we go fetch him?" I suggested, tired of waiting up for Sirius, and feeling a bit too much like his father for doing so. We both knew quite well that he'd be in the kitchen, more than likely surrounded by worried house elves while he downed mass quantities of alcohol. Much as they'd hate to admit it, he and Kitty were an awful lot alike in that respect.  
  
"Lemme grab the Invisibility Cloak," James yawned, darting up to our dormitory and returning a moment later with the silvery cloak.  
  
A short, uneventful walk later, we entered the kitchen. And there, of course, was Sirius, sitting at a table surrounded by empty liquor bottles, and slurring the lyrics to "A Pirate's Life For Me".  
  
"'Lo, there, Padfoot," James said gently. Sirius picked up his head and gazed at both of us with unfocused eyes. His mouth was hanging wide open, but he didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Whazzup?" he mumbled, groping for the nearest half-empty bottle. I did a quick count of how many bottles he'd already drunk, and came up with five. Not a good sign: Sirius had a very low tolerance to alcohol to begin with.  
  
"It's time to go back to the House, Sirius," I informed, knowing already that this was not going to be an easy task, as it wasn't the first time James and I had needed to escort a piss-drunk Sirius Black back to the dorms without being caught.  
  
"Ish not time ta go yet," he said, taking a big gulp of his firewhiskey.  
  
"Yes it is, Sirius," James said a bit more authoritatively. Sirius shook his head, then winced as if the motion had given him a headache.  
  
"Uh uh, Jimmyhead," he replied, grinning inanely. "Ish not. Shiddown, have a drink."  
  
"No thank you, we're fine," I told him, but James and I sat down regardless.  
  
"Ish not a good night fer me," Sirius slurred. "Kitty got all pissed off abou' somethin'. She called me a lecher. She said I didn' care 'bout her, and tha's not true."  
  
James and I exchanged a glance. So THAT's what it had been about. Sirius continued in a mumbled rant, only half of what he said being remotely coherent.  
  
"See, they say we're inshenshitive," he finished, "but they dunno anyting 'bout wha' we feel. Girls dunno..." He stopped talking then, looking as though he was ready to either cry or throw up. Knowing Sirius, he'd wind up doing both during the course of the night. As for what he would do right now...  
  
Sirius at least had the forethought to stagger to the nearest trash can before proceeding to empty his stomach. I clasped a hand over my own mouth; God, did it sound disgusting! James gave me a crooked smile.  
  
"He's a real charmer, our Padfoot," he stated. I had to admit, it was kind of uncharacteristic to see the Hogwarts Love Machine - and one of the richest pureblood wizards around - puking his guts up in a very undignified fashion. And all over one girl. Fancy that.  
  
Maybe in his own special way, Sirius was growing up after all.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Narrated by Prongs  
  
To say that it took some effort to get Sirius back to the dorm would be a ferocious understatement. Remus and I more or less carried him, because he was too drunk to walk properly. And then after that, we had to stay up and babysit him in the bathroom for a while because we were afraid that if we allowed him to go to sleep he'd choke on his own vomit.  
  
If that ain't friendship...  
  
"You should really stop doing this, Sirius," I suggested around one- fifty in the morning, leaning my head against the cool wall with my eyes closed. All I got in reply was the sound of him throwing up in the toilet.  
  
"I wan' go to bed," Remus yawned pitifully. "This is all your fault, Sirius."  
  
"Shaddup, Moony," Sirius answered shakily, his head still in the toilet bowl from the sound of it. I snickered. If I had the heart - or the energy - to take a picture of this, I'd have blackmail material for the rest of my life.  
  
"Just so you know it, Padfoot," I said, "this isn't exactly your finest moment."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock," he grumbled, before wretching again. He was sober enough to be a wiseass, that was always a good sign with Sirius.  
  
Moony let out a particularly huge, doglike yawn.  
  
"Ah, go to bed, Wolfman, I'll take care of him," I assured, opening my eyes. "You need your energy to transform tonight."  
  
"Oh joy," he grumbled, but shuffled gratefully out of the room, followed closely by a loud creaking of bedsprings which seemed to entail that he'd simply fallen on his bed as soon as he got there. Couldn't really blame him.  
  
"This really sucks," Sirius said weakly.  
  
"It's your own fault, you realize," I responded helpfully. "You and booze don't mix, Si."  
  
Sirius grunted something under his breath, stood up, and flushed the toilet as an afterthought. I watched in amusement as he filled the sink with cold water and dunked his head in it. A sopping wet Padfoot was almost as funny as a recently-smacked Padfoot. Almost.  
  
"Are we feeling better?" I inquired. He flipped me off. Yep, he was feeling better.  
  
By the time I'd gotten undressed and into bed, Peter was snoring (apparently he'd woken up and gotten himself upstairs while we were gone), and Remus was talking in his sleep.  
  
"The goat took my chocolate," I heard him mumble. Remus's nightly conversations with himself usually involved candy of some sort, so this wasn't a surprise. I swear, that guy ate more chocolate in a month than I went through in a year! And STILL he was bony! Remus Lupin's metabolism was one of the great mysteries of life...  
  
(A/N- Short it may be, but it's quick and hopefully amusing.) 


	13. Siriusly Immature

(A/N- WHAT THE HELL DID THEY DO TO "PRISONER OF AZKABAN"! They left all the important parts out of the movie! And they cast my Siri and my Remie SO BADLY! sob On the upside, Buckbeak looks cool, and Ron and Malfoy are getting rather handsome, but COME ON, MAN! Oh, and, since my brother's not here to say it: "Hermione's a babe!" She _is_ quite cute, though; if I ever reproduce that's what I want my daughter to look like. Okay, yeah, I'm rambling. On with the fic!

And since I now know the name of the Lily-era Potions professor, ol' Slughorn might be getting cameos now and then - sadly one of the only elements from Book Six that I'm actually going to incorporate into my own writing. Can we say "denial"?)

* * *

Narrated by Moony

As could be expected, my Friday wasn't particularly great. As usual on full moon days, I had a hell of a time staying awake in class - luckily, none of the teachers usually made a big deal out of it. But I don't think I got any notes taken, which kinda sucked since Binns had given a big lecture on...something... that would probably later kill me on a test. Meh, I'd copy James's notes... no, better copy Lily's. James's notes usually had snitches and glorified females sketched all over them to the point of being illegible and just plain disturbing. Sometimes, he went that extra mile and sketched full diagrams of said glorified females playing Quidditch, but we won't go there. Sometimes we're all safer not knowing what goes on in James Potter's head.

Ditto for Sirius, who has been left completely out of the equation because, well, he doesn't _take_ any notes in class; in fact, he rarely even pays any attention, and still he aces everything. _I_ have to study my ass off. Life is unfair.

The day was made even more wonderful by a test in Potions, which has always been my absolute worst subject. However, by a pleasant twist of fate, Slughorn allowed us to work with partners, so Kitty quickly came to my rescue, being second only to Lily in our Potions class. The lack of a nasty, jealous comment from Sirius about this arrangement was proof that he really _was_ a good enough guy to take pity on me at this time of the month – or that he was really looking forward to playing with his long-awaited Animagus powers later that night, and was too giddy to care about anything else.

Or maybe he was just preoccupied with making sure Peter didn't botch their potion. Yeah, that was probably it. Oh, Peter… we really do love him and all, but I sincerely hope nobody's life is ever dependant on him. It wouldn't turn out well for anyone involved.

As if on cue, a cry of

"Dammit, Pete!" echoed through the classroom, as Sirius began frantically waving away the nasty-smelling, violently purple smoke that was emanating from their cauldron.

"Er… whoops?" Peter offered, giving Sirius what he must have thought was his most winning grin. He was met with a scowl and a smack upside the head.

"I swear, Wormtail, next time I'm throwing _you_ in the cauldron. You'll be Pettigrew stew."

James snorted. Then chuckled. Then burst into uncontrollable giggles.

"James, what on earth is so amusing?" Lily inquired, looking as utterly puzzled as the rest of the class.

"P-Pettigrew stew! It - it _rhymes_!" he wheezed gleefully, leaning on his very confused – and probably rather embarrassed – girlfriend for support as a new wave of giggling and snorting erupted from him.

I have_ such_ intelligent friends…

* * *

Narrated by Padfoot

And thus, night did fall, and the Marauders did nearly squeal with excitement. Well, all except Remus, who was a bit grumbly about that whole werewolf business. The rest of us were quite spiffed, though, I mean, how often do you get to run amok around campus as a large, furry mammal? Sure, Hagrid does it all the time, but for the rest of us, it's a novelty.

"For God's sake, Sirius, sit still!" Lily scolded at dinner. Dunno why she was so irritated, I was just bouncing in my seat a bit. And tapping my feet. And drumming out some Def Leppard tunes with my fork and spoon, but that's all; not like I was doing anything _really_ annoying.

I gave her my sexiest pout, whimpering a little for good measure. She rolled her eyes and heaved a maternal sigh, unaffected by my efforts. Lily Evans is the only girl in the school who isn't completely spellbound by my dashing good looks and devilish charm. She swears it's because I'm immature and horribly conceited, but I hold that James brainwashed her.

"Has anyone seen Kitty lately?" she asked, bringing me crashing down from my 'I'm-about-to-turn-into-a-big-shaggy-doggie' high.

"Not since Potions," James said helpfully. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was avoiding somebody." He and Lily (Remus having already been spirited away to the Shrieking Shack, and Peter being too interested in his chocolate pudding to notice that there was a conversation going on) leveled matching pointed glares at me.

"What?" I demanded. The pointed glares were transfigured into glares of the accusational variety. I crossed my arms stubbornly. "I am _not_ apologizing to her when I don't even know for sure what I _did_."

"Oh, Sirius, does it really matter in the long run?"

"Lily, it is a matter of pride," I explained. "If I go groveling for forgiveness this time, when I've got no clue how I wronged her, she's going to expect more the next time I _do_ know what I did! She's going to be expecting bigger, better groveling, and I'm not prepared to resign myself to the vicious cycle of begging more extravagantly to get back into her good graces after each offense."

"You make apologizing sound like an Olympic sport, Padfoot. Just tell her you're sorry you hurt her feelings, and you'll try not to do it again."

"But that'd be a lie, because I know I _will_ do it again."

"Perhaps you should include a preemptive apology for lying, then," Lily suggested, though the accompanying smirk hinted at the fact that she maybe wasn't being completely serious about that. I hate it when Lily uses sarcasm against me. At least I've learned to detect it better now, so there have been no repeats of that rather awkward moment in third year when she commented offhandedly that one Severus Snape was _really_ always skulking around after us because he was secretly in love with me. I was ten minutes into explaining to him that the feeling wasn't mutual before I realized that Lily had, in fact, been being sarcastic, and that Snape most certainly was _not_ in love with me; rather he hated my guts, and had then proceeded to hex the bejeezus out of me for suggesting he was a homosexual.

You _try_ to let a guy down easy… Some people are so ungrateful.

* * *

(A/N- Yes, I realize that was a bit short, but I had fun writing it, and honestly I wanted the actual Animagus fun to be in a chapter all its own, so… yeah. Love y'all! Smooches!) 


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